Forgive Yourself, Forgive Others

November 12th 2017, I had a phone call from my brother to tell me that my father was in hospital in Turkey, where he was living, and was very unwell. I had spent the early years of my life, feeling extremely angry with my father, and after some time I decided not to speak to him at all.  The years passed so quickly and I just kept saying that I would definitely like to see him but I didn’t know what I would say because I was still so angry with him.  More years passed and I reach my mid 30s, I let go of the pain and I forgave him only I didn’t tell him. I thought I would get a chance. Then comes the phone call.  I was here in Australia with my two boys and fiancé selling my Dance school to move back to the UK and desperately trying to hold everything together, I wanted to be with him but when the prognosis was looking good I decided to wait until my trip back to England. I was on the phone to my uncle and brother every day as my father was on and off life support. He started to worsen. I couldn’t let my father die, not knowing that I had forgiven him, and that all is okay. I wanted him to leave knowing that. I got on a plane to be with him so that he could pass over in peace.  When I landed in Turkey, and my uncle met me at the airport I knew right away. He passed away while I was flying. My heart was broken, and I am still working on repairing it, this is the first time I’ve ever spoken about this let alone written it down for people to read. I do not share my story for sympathy. I know that he is with me now and I feel his presence all the time.  The pain and anger were destroying me, my body, for years, stopping me from moving forward in so many parts of my life, subconsciously!!  The way this story ends is heartbreaking, however my father was my biggest teacher, it all happened the way it was supposed to.  Once I forgave him my life took a completely new direction. I also forgave myself for not being by his side. It was like the last piece of the puzzle transcending the DISease of OCD through my body.

Sending love as always, Lou x